Slippery Climb
Slippery Climb is the landmark twentieth level of Crashie's Generic Damsel-Rescuing Operation. For some reason, Naughty Dog thought it would be fun to celebrate said landmark by producing a level that is difficult beyond reason. As such, they had Dr. Neo Cortex construct a castle tower thingy right in the middle of the old Unnamed Nativitafarian Colony. Unfortunately, they picked a really shitty location. Some unknown atmospheric anomaly causes it to rain here, endlessly, forever! While constant rain would cause some shitty monarchs *coughPrincessToadstoolcough* to panic irrationally, Uncle Cortie was delighted. He just loooooooooves things that are wet and slimy and disgusting, after all. But, um, anyway. This is Crashie's first taste of the agony of Cortex Castle. There's lots of tricky jumps and shit. There's also new enemies. Keep an eye out for Blandie the Vulture and Dr. N. Prisonedforlife! Also, keep an eye out for the debut of Lab Assistants! They say these ones are particularly vial, after all... Not All Castles Are Like This, You Know: A Message from the International Association for the Advancement of Castle People Video game designers are racist swine. Naughty Dog is no exception. Did you know that Dave Siller only bowls at prestigious country clubs where no blacks are allowed? Yes, it's true, and yes, it's awful. Did you know that Dr. Allan Becker subjects his black receptionist to his curmudgeonly rantings on a rather regular basis? Yes, it's true, and yes, it's awful. Did you know that the only black character in the Crashiecoot series, Dr. Nitrus Brio, was forced to work in soul-crushing whiteface until Traveller's Tales finally let him be his Negro-tastic self in Crashie Has an Unnatural Fascination with Cortex's Ass, in Two Separate Cutscenes? Yes, it's also true, and yes, it's also awful. In fact, the only thing worse than video game developers' treatment of Blackfrican-Blackmericans....is their awful, judgemental, and even awful treatment of castles. These stone monoliths have provided the very wealthiest of non-American nobles and noblettes with cold, soulless shelter, as well as cold, soulless superiority complexes, for decades now. Don't you think they deserve more respect? Don't you think we should all put on our respectacles and see them in a whole new light? Contrary to what this level would have you believe, castles actually don't exhibit wizard-like characteristics that control the surrounding atmosphere such that it rains constantly. In fact, they exhibit wizard-like characteristics that control the surrounding atmosphere such that it is always sunny and beautiful. This is why castle-heavy countries like England have some of the most beautiful and tropical weather on Earth! Also, moss doesn't grow on castles. Pretty flowers do! Pretty pink and red and blue and yellow and purple flowers! White, even! Not black, though. And you'll never find anyone evil like Uncle Four-Corties-to-a-Gallonie living inside a real castle, no sirree. The International Fair Castle Housing Act ensures that only nice and friendly people can purchase castles. If that person is a monarch, he or she must pinky swear that he will only order nice and friendly executions, with guillotines that are nice and soft and smooth, like having your head severed by a memory foam pillow in a luscious silk pillowcase. It's a rather foolproof process. Bad people don't own castles, ever. Still, the depiction of castles in this game is, sadly, an improvement from many of its video game predecessors. It ain't good, but it's better than it was. Basically, this game did for castles what Charlie Chan did for Chinamen. Games previously alleged that all castles were filled with evil nasty molten lava magma! How does that even make sense? Wouldn't the heat required to keep said lava magma in its liquid molten state proceed to liquefy the surrounding stone floors and walls of the castle? Someone didn't think this through - an extremely rare lapse in Lord Bowser's usually bulletproof logic. In fact, pretty real-world castles are, generally, devoid of most deadly trappy death traps. People who live in castles like to be not killed, just like us lesser humans, after all! And what's with this shit about castles always being haunted? Ghosts, unlike savage fire-breathing turtle demons, actually don't exist. Special dishonourable mention goes out to Super Mario Bros. 2: All-American "It Was All Just a Dreamy Dream" Edition for alleging that there actually exist castles in the world that spout forth an icky, icky barrage of vegetables, aka the fruit of the devil, Jarvis "Satan" Demonstein! Since the release of this thoroughly reprehensible "game", the IAACP has made many long, sensual strides toward equality for fortified bourgeoisie stoney homes the world over. In Super Blocky Mario Bros. Minus Blocky Luigi, a castle was used as the dwelling place for Princess "Peach" Toadstool, who was actually one of the nicest ladies in the land, despite only being seventeen years of age. In Super Smash Bros. 64: The Completely Unenjoyable One, beautiful Hyrule Castle was given the prestigious honour of representing the intergalactically beloved The Legend of Zelda: Overratedrina of Time. And castles are the very sexiest of all in the long-running ErotiChess series of games. I develop them myself, in my free time, as a hobby. They have yet to gain widespread popularity. Anyway, the point is, castles have come a long way. Someday, we might even be able to convert the White House into a castle. It's possible, with the power of celebrity. I guarantee you, it's a cause that the famous monarch/professional media prostitute King will.i.am IV will support! Slowly, America is coming to realise that castle-dwellers deserve equality just as much as the rest of us. So, do them all a favour: consider serfdom today! Serfdom - a better world for castle-dwelling landowners means a better world for YOU! :) Trivia *This level's title is a clever reference to the once-popular college frat boy sport called "slipper climb", in which extremely drunk kids would attempt to climb steep slopes, while wearing nothing but cheap slippers. As one can imagine, there was much falling, although it did not usually end fatally, unlike this level. It was really bloody, though. And concussion-y. The sport has sadly fallen out of favor in recent years with the advent of beer pong, a far safer sport wherein the risks are far more minor - insignificant things, like choking, alcohol poisoning, liver failure, and pretty fiery car crashies. *Despite the implications of the level's name, this stage's platforming mechanics are actually no more slippery than any other side-scrolling level in the game. Fans generally assume that Naughty Dog had originally programmed a slipperiness algorithm for this level, but scrapped it, as it made the stage too easy. *Dr. Neo Cortex built this castle in the middle of some sort of rainforest or some shit, yet he couldn't even be bothered to use stainless steel for the platforms? Or some other material that doesn't rust? He's that irresponsible, yet he thinks he's capable of controlling the world? No. No no no no no no no. That's just....amazingly uncool, Cortie. Ughhh...